


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 478

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [23]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-05
Updated: 2016-04-05
Packaged: 2018-05-31 11:22:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6468229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The satirical saga continues, as Obi-Wan becomes one with the Force...kind of. The "Jedi Vampire" monologues like a boss, and Mace Windu shows his true colors. </p><p>(Author's note: With this entry I am caught up with all my old writings. I will post a new Ramblings every Sunday night from now on.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 478

TATOOINE - Day 478:

I became aware that I was floating, and engulfed in a beautiful blue light. I felt weak, but completely at peace. I had finally become one with the Force, and I was okay with that. Too many wars, too many lost friends, and too many dark side assholes had filled my life. I was done, and I wasn't going to miss it. 

Then a blonde haired toddler entered my thoughts. I couldn't leave Luke behind. I didn't know what kind of powers I had as a Force ghost, or if I would be able to adequately protect him. Within a blink of an eye I understood my death was a tragedy. I needed to be alive. The thought of anything happening to Luke overwhelmed me with sadness. 

"That's adorable, you're crying." The voice seemed to be coming from all around me. 

I was slowly spinning, and as I turned I saw within the blue hue that surrounded me a dark green blur. After another rotation, the green blur came into focus and I could see a Rodian dressed in dark robe. 

"Good morning, sunshine," Vinto Tox said. "You've been a real sleepyhead. You were unconscious for four days."

Condescending green dick! 

It turns out I wasn't dead, I was trapped in a gravity force field. Glancing around, I saw no sign of Mace. Then I noticed the tubes running out of both of my arms. 

"You're stealing my blood?"

Vinto Tox laughed. "You poor naive Jedi. It's amazing that you survived Order 66. However, to answer your silly question, no, I am not stealing your blood."

I struggled to break free, but to no avail. "Then what the hell are you doing to me, Rodian scum?!"

"No need to resort to name calling, Master Kenobi. We're all civilized beings here." He strolled over to the cave's wall where three lightsabers hung, and gently stroked one of them. "I am quite literally filtering the Force out of your body."

I mustered up all my strength to laugh, then muttered, "Bullshit!"

"Language, sir. Please?" Vinto Tox shook his head in disgust. "Your colleague, Mace Windu, informed me of the midi-chlorian lie that the Jedi would tell parents of potential Padawans."

"I was never involved in any of that." I always disagreed with that practice. 

"Oh, but Master Kenobi, you are aware that your precious Jedi Council did in fact make up the concept of microscopic creatures called midi-chlorians to help convince parents to give up possession of their Force sensitive children?"

I refused to respond. 

"So," Tox walked towards me, "once again the Jedi Council told you a half truth. There are no microscopic creatures in your bloodstream, but there is something. Something, that all Force sensitive beings have."

Leaning in, his large black unblinking eyes examined me, as his antennas darted back and forth in a scanning fashion. The dry green lips at the end of his snout formed the slightest smile. "Poor Master Kenobi. You didn't know, did you? You have something coursing through your veins that the average creature does not. And I have learned how to extract it."

"I don't believe you," I said, trying to convince myself. 

"Well then, Master Kenobi, maybe a demonstration is in order." He seemed overly pleased that I had challenged him. 

Strolling over to the control panel, Vinto Tox switched off the gravity force field, and I fell helplessly to the cave floor. 

He stood over me, sending the message that I was not to be feared. "Within your precious bodily fluids is a substance that once extracted can give anyone Force powers." 

"You're insane!" I could barely keep my head off the ground. 

"Again with the name calling? Really, Master Kenobi. Your reputation was greatly exaggerated."

My head was swimming with confusion and pain. I had never felt so weak in all my life. Even though I was having trouble holding myself up off the ground, I was free, and knew I needed to seize this opportunity. 

"You are a curious little bugger." Vinto Tox laughed. "I can sense what you're thinking. You want to escape, so be my guest. Your lightsaber is hanging on the wall over there. Force pull it to yourself and strike me down."

Propping myself up on one elbow I raised my hand towards the saber. No matter how desperately I tried I could not move it. For the first time in my life I couldn't feel the Force within me. 

Vinto Tox began to cackle. He went on and on. It was a horrible sound that rivaled only that of C-3PO explaining the percentages of a situation’s success or failure, and maybe that of having to listen to Jar Jar trying to apologize for something. 

Even though no one was touching me, I felt a tightness around my throat. As the feeling increased, I was suddenly lifted off the ground, and dangled there. 

Tox's cackle increased in volume. "You see, Master Kenobi? I was never Force sensitive, but here I am slowly squeezing the life from your Forceless body."

I was growing lightheaded from the lack of oxygen. I noticed Mace enter the area and managed to squeeze out a few words, "Mace...please...lightsaber...stop him..."

Vinto Tox dropped me to the ground and watched as Mace Windu retrieved his purple bladed saber from the cave's wall. 

Gasping for air I begged Mace once more, "Please..."

The old Jedi Master stood over me, then turned and handed the lightsaber to Vinto Tox. 

"Wha...?" was all I could get out. 

"Master Windu," Tox began, "Would you be a doll and return Master Kenobi to his place in the gravity force field?"

Mace did exactly that. As he placed my hands and feet into the restraints I managed a question, "Why?"

Mace's one good eye refused to look at me. "I must obey my Master."


End file.
